I may not get your blood during the weeks after my bone marrow transplant, but someone in need sure will. After watching my friend Gayle (who is dealing with relapsed leukemia) receive blood products, I have come to truly appreciate the value of blood donors' gift. Watching Gayle's spirit rejuvenate as the donor's blood dripped into her veins was an amazing lesson for me. When I first arrived at her transfusion, she was weak and reclined on her bed. Half an hour into the transfusion, she was able to engage in conversation with me. An hour later, she was sitting up in her bed, chattering and smiling. In another hour, she was able to get out of the bed to eat a small meal (her first food in several days). By the end of the transfusion, she was able to walk around, and this is a woman with two broken hips! The infusion of energy she gained from that donated blood was remarkable. Please give the gift of life.
This won't help me directly (because my transplant will use my own harvested marrow), but it will sure make a big difference to someone else out there. I'll be providing detailed info on how to do this later. For now, check out some links on bone marrow transplants.
It's a totally painless donation, and after the baby is born, you won't need that cord blood anyway! Cord blood collection practices vary dramatically around the world; mostly cord blood collection is a program that is just starting out. In some locations, you can only store cord blood for your own family's potential use (not a ridiculous eventuality to plan for given the incidence of childhood leukemia these days). In other locations, donation capabilities are being established. To determine what is going on in your neighborhood, start by asking your midwife or obstetrician. Additional information may be obtained as follows:
New York Cord Blood Center
This is the largest cord blood center in the USA, run by Dr. Pablo
Rubenstein. NY blood Center: 800-NY-BLOOD or 212-570-3210.
The Cord Blood Donor Foundation, San Bruno, California
This organization tries to increase public supply of cord blood by building an
ethnically balanced stem cell bank, to provide educational awareness
and to conduct further research in the use of cord blood stem cells.
The St. Louis Cord Blood Bank
Collects and stores cord blood from hospitals in a 150 mile radius
around St. Louis.
Elie Katz Umbilical Cord Blood Program
Most people don't even realize that platelets are collected separately from regular ol' blood. The procedure for donating isn't much different. The only important differences are that you get two IV needles instead of one, and the process takes a couple of hours (so you get to watch a video while you're donating!) In Vancouver you can sign up to be a platelet donor by calling the Vancouver General Hospital Cell Separator Unit at 875-4863 or 875-3699.
People undergoing bone marrow transplants receive donated platelets and other blood products while they are waiting for the transplant to take effect. (During the period immediately following the transplant, the patient's own marrow isn't producing any of the crucially required blood products that sustain life.)
Callanish is a charitable organization (number 880697164RC001) that runs residential retreats for people living with or dying from cancer. I attended such a retreat in March 1997, and it changed the way I look at my life. I have never before or since had such a profound experience, and I wish everyone dealing with cancer could attend a Callanish retreat. Please feel free to ask me if you want to learn more about Callanish. If you donate to Callanish, you'll get a tax deductible receipt.
If you are willing, please mail your donation to:
As sincere as you are when you say something like "Please call if there is anything I can do," it is very awkward for someone in need to take you up on this kind offer.
The more specific your offer is, the better and the more helpful it is likely to be. Something like "Can I come by on Sunday afternoon to help you clean your bathrooms or to do your laundry?" can work wonders. Try offering to cook prepared meals to bring over on chemo nights. Drop off gift certificates redeemable at places where you know your friend likes to order take-out food. Or try offering to drive to and from treatments. Consider doing a grocery run, or offer to go buy catfood. If you can't be there in person, perhaps you could send a gift certificate for cleaning help. Try thinking of something else creatively helpful and fun. It certainly doesn't have to cost money to be helpful!
Bring over your all-time favorite funny video for a long-term loan. Or give your friend gift certificates to stores that sell videos so he or she can stock up on series of particularly appealing classics (Mr. Bean? I Love Lucy? The Newhart Show? Red Dwarf? Fawlty Towers? who knows???) Send funny emails. Buy or lend funny books. Send gift certificates to movie theatres. Come over and tell funny jokes. Lend soothing CDs or cassettes. Give massages or foot-rubs. Sing folk songs. Read poetry. Write an allegorical story. Anything that provides laughter or comfort is healing and is usually welcomed.
Often lots of people have made generic offers to help, but the person in need has no good way to coordinate those offers. See if you might be able to offer assistance by contacting people on your friend's behalf to arrange for them to follow through on their offers. Your friend will get his or her much needed help and the folks who made the offers will feel like they are actually helping (as opposed to waiting around for the call for help that may never come). If you happen to be someone well connected (by phone, fax, email, cellular, pager, etc) all the better, but these high-tech means are by no means required for the job!
In the final stages of life, a friend may need more serious assistance. The book Twelve Weeks in Spring by June Callwood recounts the story of a community coming together to support a woman who wanted to die at home instead of in the hospital. Friends and acquaintances provided around-the-clock company, assistance with household tasks, medical support, and love. I think this book would make a great guidance manual for other communities wanting to support someone in need.
Some folks might be less willing to accept concrete help than others. If you have offered and have been refused, don't take offence. You might try asking again a few weeks later, or you might try directly asking your friend what, exactly, it is you could do to help most. I am told by other cancer survivors that there can be a fine line between maintaining a sense of privacy and accepting outside help. Your friend may not yet know where that line lies for himself or herself.
The tendancy is to focus attention on the individual dealing first-hand with cancer. But the needs of the partner or main support-giver can often get lost in the haze. See if there is anything you can do to make this person's life a little easier. He or she may just need a willing ear to listen, may need company for an excursion to a distracting movie, or may need something completely different to take his or her mind off things. Try being creative -- a coupon for a therapeutic massage, a distracting video, a walk in the park feeding ducks, ... If you reach out, you may be able to provide more help than you can imagine. (And helping the support-person can greatly help the person dealing directly with cancer too.)
As much as we all want to believe "Everything is going to be all right!", hearing people say that can make someone living with cancer feel like the gravitiy of their plight is being trivialized or under-appreciated. Although that statement is very optimistic and well-intended, it can convey a lack of understanding about the severity of the situation.
Statements I myself have found more helpful include "We think about you every day," "You are in our prayers," "I wish I was there to give you a great big hug," "If only there were something I could actually do to make this easier for you," etc. This may be a personal preference, but I find the latter statements more heartfelt and touching.
Sometimes, the cancer survivor can feel overwhelmed by telephone
calls. Always ask if your timing is appropriate, and if it isn't, then
just convey your good wishes and offer your friend the option to call
you back when convenient. See if there is a particular time for
convenient phone calls. And be sensitive to the possibility that your
friend may need short breaks from phone contact at difficult times.
Try sending faxes, postcards, letters, or emails, or consider
leaving voice messages instead (you might even mention that your call
doesn't necessarily have
to be returned). These can be incredibly uplifting.
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